I was a contributing writer to Funny or Die for several years. Below are a selection of articles that appeared on their front page.
BACKGROUND:
6 reasonable explanations
to give your co-workers
for the flowers you sent yourself
on valentine’s day
1. Your partner just got out of a coma. You never mentioned her before because it was only a light coma and not a big deal. Anyway, she woke up and sent you roses. Then she slipped into a deeper, unrelated coma. And you don’t want to talk about it ever again.
2. Your high school boyfriend bought a ten-year value pack. You’ve got, like, three more of these coming.
3. Your boyfriend is in the witness protection program for uncovering a global child-boxing syndicate. You and he are not supposed to interact in public. He’s putting his life in grave danger by sending these. Now you have to go to the balcony and light a trashcan on fire (the signal) to let him know they came.
4. You have no idea! Must be a secret admirer. Who could it be? This is crazy, right? Could it be someone in the office? Let’s all make a big thing about it!
5. You don’t gotta explain shit. People need to mind their own damn business.
6. You sent them to yourself. There, you said it. Is it sad? Yes. Is it pathetic? Maybe. But where did these chocolates come from? Holy shit! A 24-piece Godiva truffle assortment! Want some?
re: your big sex party
Hi Mitch,
This is Ron Schooner from the sex party. Boy, this is embarrassing, but I think I left something at your house. If you find a vintage Deluxe Edition Scrabble board lying around, that's probably mine. It's from '62, so it's kind of an antique.
Also, if I didn't say it before, your sex party was so much fun! I had a blast. And you're terrific at Scrabble. You really got a hang of it after the second or third game. (And you didn't even want to play in the first place!)
Thanks so much!
Best, Ron Schooner
________________
Hi Mitch,
It's Ron Schooner from the sex party. Just realized I also left some CDs at your place. They are as follows: 1. the original Broadway cast recording of Ragtime; 2. the original London cast recording of Ragtime; and 3. my voiceover demo (a reading from chapter one of Failed States: The Abuse of Power and the Assault on Democracy by Noam Chomsky). I can't find any of those in my CD collection. And I definitely played all three at your sex party, so they must be at your house.
Also, who was that really nice woman sitting next to you in the hot tub? (You offered her a thigh massage at one point.) Thought I got her number, but now I can't find it. Her name was something like Jessica or Jennica or Ruth. Could you send me her number if you have it? If not, don't worry about it. It's not important. But it's important I get that Scrabble board and those CDs back. Thanks!
Best, Ron Schooner
________________
Hi Mitch,
It's Ron Schooner from the sex party. Good news: I found the woman's number. Her name's Yuki. I was way off!
Anyway, Yuki tells me the reason you might not be responding to my e-mails is because you feel like I ruined your sex party. I told her she was nuts. The sex party was terrific!
However, there was one incident I wish to apologize for: After I got the first Scrabble game started in the hot tub, you suggested we turn it into "strip Scrabble." I then immediately shot that idea down. And I apologize, because it was your sex party, after all. But you see, the scoring system in Scrabble is not really conducive to stripping. Many times, players employ the strategy of purposely playing a low-scoring word in one round with the hope of saving their good letters for a double- or triple-word score for the subsequent round. So you see how removing our clothes after each round wouldn't make sense?
But I'm sorry for shooting down your idea with such vehemence. We should have played a more stripping-conducive game like "cards." Then we could have played Scrabble afterwards.
Anyway, your sex party was tons of fun, and I hope we can do it again real soon!
In the meantime, I need that Scrabble board back ASAP. Yuki and Simone (the Russian woman with the riding crop) are coming over to my place for a board game night. You should come! And bring those CDs too!
Best, Ron Schooner
________________
Hi Mitch,
It's Ron Schooner from the sex party. We missed you at game night. Man, it was hot. Those girls can play Apples to Apples all night.
I still need that Scrabble board back. It's practically an antique, and it was given to me by my grandfather. Remember how I told the story of his teaching me to play when I visited him in the hospital after his kidney stone surgery? I told that story after you handed us those cherries you wanted someone to eat off you. Remember?
And those CDs have got to be in what you called "lube central" (your bike room), because that's where you changed into your bustier and showed everyone your penis. And that's when I pointed and yelled, "Wow! Look at that ding-dong!" And then I led everyone through a round of "Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz. And that's what made me get out my Broadway CDs! And all that happened in "lube central." Whew. Glad we figured that out. Mind having a poke around that room for those CDs?
Also, Yuki, Simone, and the French "twins" say hi. They helped me move around some furniture today.
Get back to me soon!
Best, Ron Schooner
________________
Hi Mitch,
It's Ron Schooner from the sex party. It's apparent now you blame me for the lack of actual sex at your sex party. That's the only reason I can think of as to why you'd be withholding my vintage 1962 Scrabble board this long.
Look, I'm sorry your sex party ended with a line dance instead of orgiastic sex. I'm sorry I put those dildos in the washing machine (they looked dirty to me!). I'm sorry I encouraged everyone to provide their own Godzilla-like voiceovers when you turned on that Japanese gang bang video. I'm sorry!!
Nevertheless, I had a terrific time at your sex party, and I know the ladies did too. If you want to redeem yourself, the ladies and I are performing at the Roseland Ballroom on July 9th. We formed an a cappella doo-wop group called Ron and the Sugar Plums. You should come support your friends. And bring my Scrabble board, ya ding-dong!
Best, Ron Schooner
pepper spray user’s manual
PROPERTY OF THE UC DAVIS POLICE DEPARTMENT
*** FOR INTERNAL TRAINING PURPOSES ONLY ***
Congratulations! You completed your 20-minute training seminar on crowd control, and now you're ready to Pepper Spray!
Pepper Spray — also known as OC spray or capsicum spray or “the sissy gun” — is a lachrymatory agent that causes severe pain and even temporary blindness. Pepper Spray is not a toy! That's why you must follow each of these following steps carefully before you play with it:
Assess the situation. Does the situation warrant the use of Pepper Spray? There’s really no right or wrong answer here. As a rule of thumb, if you need to “assess the situation” at all, chances are you’re gonna want to use some Pepper Spray.
Ask yourself: Are the protesters unruly? If so, DO NOT use Pepper Spray. I repeat: DON’T YOU DARE use Pepper Spray on unruly protesters. They just don’t like it. ONLY use Pepper Spray on protesters who are calm and (preferrably) seated. IF the protesters are singing too loudly or waving their banners too freely, simply wait till they’re all tuckered out before proceeding to the next step.
Issue a firm command that the protesters need to leave the premises. The Department has a specific script for this that you need to memorize: “Git, ya hear? I say git! I gotta can gonna make you git…”
Fiddle with your holster to let them know you’re serious.
Remove canister of Pepper Spray from your holster and shrug liberally. And I mean liberally. Let the protesters know you mean business with your fly-by-night, liberal use of full-shouldered shrugs.
Grip the trigger tightly. Remove the safety cap. Let your wrist go limp. Just let that can dangle off your fingers like a ripe Georgia peach.
Now spray them. Spray them all.
Keep spraying. That’s it.
Yes. Keep spraying.
Spray them.
Yes. Spray them.
Shake the can a bit. Yep, there’s still some more in there.
Spray them.
Yep.
Uh huh. Keep spraying.
Yep. Spray them.
Now sing a song! Nothing makes the time pass on a hard day of spraying like a good old-fashioned work song. (For help choosing your perfect work song, please complete the Workbook accompanying this Manual.) I’d recommend something like “dee-da-da-deedle-ee-dee” or a “ba-da-ba-dum-ba-dum-dum-bop!” You know. Something catchy. Like a “doo-ba-sha-la-la-laaa!” Or just a “woooo-bee-bee-beep!” Like one of those.
Keep spraying.
Aaaannndddd keep spraying.
Right. So you basically just keep spraying.
Now you stop — unless, of course, you have any Pepper Spray left, in which case, you keep spraying.
And there you have it! Twenty-one easy steps for responsibly dispensing Pepper Spray on a crowd of protesters. Was that so hard? It shouldn't be.